How to Shift Sex Addiction into Erotic Self-Care
Often times there is a fine line between Sex Addiction and Erotic Self Care. And usually, that fine line is one particular thing. What is that thing? SHAME
Shame is one of the greatest detriments when it comes to our sacred sexuality. It can take something beautiful, sacred and natural and turn it into something perverted, dirty and sinful. It can take something pleasurable and make it painful. It can take something that is your divine birthright and turn it into something that makes you bad and wrong.
Many people look at sex addiction as something that must be conquered and controlled which eventually leads to swings of abstinence and over-indulgence. Although the model of treating sexual shame with traditional methods of addressing addiction has had some success, it may be time to look deeper and shift addiction rather than treat it.
What if, instead of looking at your relationship with sex as something that needs to be controlled and managed, you looked at it as something that needs to be properly nourished and expanded? Maybe it is not the amount of sexual experiences that you are having but the kind of sexual experiences.
It is like a child that eats a lot of candy. He will continually crave candy. He does not feel full or satiated. He keeps craving more and more sweets, feeling only a desire for more and an underlying feeling of guilt and shame. But the child that eats a diet of nourishing whole foods feels full, satiated, and loved. It is not that the candy-eating kid needs to stop eating food altogether. He needs food to be nourished. So rather than making him wrong for eating candy, he only needs to be nourished with what he actually needs.
Years of programming from a society that does not honor sacred sexuality can make us feel shameful and guilty for having sexual desires. This underlying layer of shame and guilt can drive us towards sexual acts that do not nourish our sacred sexuality. And when we are not nourished we feel more guilt and shame. And when we feel more guilt and shame we find more unhealthy outlets of sexual expression. This becomes an endless loop that does not stop at abstinence or regulated control. Often times these interventions only bottle up and suppress desires that only become stronger and stronger over time.
But the desire is not to engage more in non-nourishing behaviors. The desire to satiate your true sacred sexuality. So how does one satiate their sacred sexuality? First, it starts with changing your perspective. First, you must understand that you are a sexual being, that sexuality is healthy and natural, and that you deserve to feel pleasure and love. The best perspective change is to understand your expressions of sexuality not as sex addiction but as erotic self-care. Begin to look at it through the lens of nourishing yourself instead of hurting yourself. How does your sexuality want and desire to be nourished?
Helpful practices to get you started on your journey of transforming Sex Addiction into satiating Erotic Self-Care:
Solo or partnered Tantric practices
Learning sacred sexual arts like Tantra, Daoism and Karma Sutra can help you understand the sacred nature of your own sexuality and help you connect with the beauty of erotism
2. Intentional self-pleasure practices
Commit to not mindlessly masturbating to numb out or to self-soothe. It is not what you do that causes issues, it is how you do it. Instead of watching porn to help you numb out or feel the connection you are lacking, try connecting with your body and going inward. Turn your masturbation practice into an intentional meditation of self-pleasure.
3. Intentional partnered sex practices
When we are in shame and guilt we are most likely having sex to disconnect and numb out but when we are in love and divinity we choose to have sex to connect. You do not need to quit sex altogether, you only have to shift your intention and have a desire to let go of shame and let in love.
4. Seeing a therapist to work on sexual shame
Sexual shame can have very deep roots in the psyche. It can be beneficial to have a therapist help you unearth this ancestral shame so that you can understand your true nature and become open to the love and pleasure that you deserve.
5. Seeing a professional Sex-Worker to teach you the beauty of pleasure
Of course, this is my favorite recommendation! Over the course of a decade of working with sexual energy, I have seen hundreds of clients go from fear and shame of their sexual nature to loving and celebrating their sexual nature. If you are having difficulty letting go of shame when you are alone, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can help you honor the beautiful nature of your sexuality.
Sexuality can be one of the hardest energies to work with as it has carried so much shame over hundreds of years and throughout numerous generations. But we have the power now to let go of all of that and shift into a world where sex and love are celebrated and pleasure is honored as one of the highest gifts that we can experience. The closer you get to your divine sexual nature the closer you get the divine in all things. I look forward to helping you open up to the pleasure that you deserve!
